Technology is not my friend.
You know how sometimes when you’re writing and you just *know* you’re on to something and you’re typing so fast you’re hardly even thinking about it and you feel electric with energy because you are starting to think you are just Such. A. Flaming. Genius?
So then you take a moment to review it and you smile and you think, This is SO GOOD! I’m just gonna cut it and paste it over here where I can edit it a little better without the worry of accidentally hitting ‘send’ before it’s too soon.
And you go and you cut it.
But then for whatever stinking reason under this side of heaven it Just. Won’t. PASTE.
Yep, you guessed it. Somewhere out in cyberspace (or hiding in some tiny irretrievable recesses of my computer) is that sheer genius piece of writing. From Friday. When I was trying to ‘work ahead’ and tell you what I *knew*.
So let’s just agree that Friday’s lost entry was my Pulitzer Prize winner that unfortunately got lost in a galaxy too large for any of us to find. And when we see who wins the Prize this year we’ll all *know* it was supposed to be me…OK?
Instead, I’m going to use today to clarify something. Because since some of you have been kind enough to let me know you are, in fact, reading what I’m writing here in Blogland and that I’m not just writing it to myself [which, by the way is incredibly kind of you, and also extremely terrifying for me, but I thank you anyway]. Still, since I’m pretty sure I’ll have at least one reader every day (thanks, Mom) it’s important that we are of the same mind on something.
And that something is what I mean when I write the word know with those cute little asterisks around it like this:
You see, when I write that I *know* something, I’m talking about the kind of *knowing* that me and my women friends had when we were young and newly married and we were SO READY to start a family and have our kids spaced out here. And here. And here. And we had it all planned out. And we *knew* that’s how it would go.
You know what I’m talking about? Remember that kind of *knowing*?
Any guesses how many times I’ve *known* I was pregnant?
At least 12.
I’d bet at least that many.
Which is, of course, different from how many times I’ve actually been pregnant. Which, for the record is three. (And believe me, I’m OK with that!) So, you see, when I say I *know* something, I think what I really mean is that I’m being intuitive. But the stink of it is, that sometimes it’s really hard to separate our intuition (our built-in truth-finder, if you will) from what we really, really want.
And what we want may not always be the Truth we’re intended to live.
sometimes we have to *know* and be wrong, and sniff (and cry) our way back to our Life Path before we *know* and get it right.
And the reward is that when we *know* and then it’s confirmed for us over and over and over again– through the things we see (ultrasound), and the things others see in us (You are GLOWING!) and the way we feel (over-the-moon-euphoric!)– that we have, in fact, found the Truth.
Or we’ve let it find us.
Either way, I’m fairly certain that what happens in that moment is that our minds are finally in tune with our hearts. Which really isn’t that far of a distance.
Still…sometimes it’s a looooooong and crooked road there.
Now we can at least be on the same page and you will know that when I *know* something I just may be Dead. Wrong.
And that stinks.
But it’ll be OK.
You know why?
Because I’ve learned that my being wrong is really just an invitation from God… to wait.
I guess it’s the only way He can make sure He is out in front of me before I go blazing ahead. He’s real protective like that. And I REALLY like to blaze!
In my heart I know that it really would be a whole lot easier that way.
You’d think we’d have gotten it awhile back when God sent us Jesus who told us
“For my yoke is easy, and my burden light.”
But I’ll be honest, I used to think He was lying. Not about the following, so much. More about the easy.
I really did.
And trust me, I realize it’s probably not nice to say you think God’s a liar, but since it’s my understanding that God created my heart (and my head… and my soul), I guess there’s no real sense in my hiding the fact that I may think He’s a liar.
Because He’s got a Front Row seat in there, anyway.
It’s what I thought.
He was lying.
And I thought that because it seemed like my own personal experience told me otherwise. And I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in thinking this, because how often don’t we say to ourselves and each other that “life isn’t easy”?
It seems that way a lot.
I let God weigh in with His two cents (and seriously, that’s about all the more I let Him weigh in because I’m stubborn like that). And I realize that it really may not be as hard as I first thought.
I mean, after all…
I’m living right now. And right now. And right now. And this isn’t really all that hard.
But you know what’s IS hard?
At least most of the time.
At least for me.
So that’s why God is sending me (and maybe you, too) this here little postcard today.
It’s to remind me why I need to wait:
So, I’m making a choice to listen.
Because if God isn’t there yet…well, I guess I really don’t want to go there yet either.
Even if it means letting someone else get that Pulitzer.
So that’s why I’m gonna sit another day or two before I rewrite that sheer genius entry I lost last Friday.
Because I may not have to rewrite it at all.
You see, I’m still trying to sniff out the Truth, even though I *know* what it is.
And that sometimes takes awhile.